Last night, I was drawn specifically to the end verses:
Matthew 13: And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Interesting - I just found out that the "For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever" part that Catholics say a few lines later in response but Protestants say as part of the prayer was not found in early manuscripts! I don't feel bad now about leaving it off (before I felt deficient, like I was saying it the wrong way).
But the part that really struck me last night was the end.
Why would God allow us to be tempted?
Why would Jesus pray that God wouldn't?
Let's say God, who never tempts us Himself but allows us to be tempted, lets us be tempted on some days. Why? Perhaps as a test for us (not because He doesn't know the answer, but so we know it) - to build up our strength in not sinning. I can't think of any other reasons right now.
Why would Jesus pray then that God wouldn't? If everything is done for our benefit, wouldn't Jesus then want us to be tempted? Clearly He doesn't want us to be tempted, because there's the possibility we'll fall to sinning. Or even if we don't, He knows it's hard for us to resist, and puts mental strain on us. But, if God allows it, why would Jesus ask for something against God's will?
But deliver us from evil.
Yes, there may be evil that comes upon us. It threatens to snatch us and eat us if we're not careful. I noticed in particular that when I made a new commitment to Christ, in two different times the next day, evil came upon my family. Often, when we are becoming more godly, we seem to go through a period of trials and hard times afterwards, as if evil is trying to attack us, trying to knock us from our newfound faith. So I was watching for it, and caught it, and did not fall away; instead it encouraged me.
Which brings me to the devotion that grabbed me today:
Acts 4:13: Now they observed the confidence of Peter and John and understood that they were uneducated and untrained men, they were amazed, and began to recognize them as having been with Jesus.
The word that stood out to me in this was confidence. We are to have confidence if we are with God (have chosen to follow God, because then God is directing our lives). Too often, I fear. Particularly it's pretty neat that these men were clearly not equipped to do what they were doing. They were uneducated, and they had not been trained. They were not Torah scholars, yet here they were making amazing connections between passages, connections that only a scholar should be able to make. We should also remember that Jesus himself was formally uneducated and untrained (though listening a lot to the experts can teach you something too - you don't need formal training).
My fear is typically in feeling inadequate. In many areas of life I have Imposter's Syndrome, where I'm afraid I'm not good enough and it's only a matter of time before I'm going to be "found out". So I think this message today is...God equips you. Have confidence. Go out there and do God's work with confidence, because you are good enough.
Areas in which I need to have confidence:
- As a parent, that my baby loves me and not just interesting things I'm wearing or the games we play, that they actually want to spend time with me as a person.
- As a productive time-managing person, that I do have the ability to manage time successfully. I've learned a lot and am still learning, but I do have the ability to be a successful person in managing time.
- As a musician. The Worship Leader told me I did a great job. That was me learning a completely new instrument. Even if I mess up, it doesn't make me a bad musician. Similarly on a job. They aren't waiting for me to mess up, ready to pounce. It really helps in this regard to build everyone up, rather than comparing and constantly worrying I'm not measuring up. Building everyone up builds myself up too.
- As a Christian. I mentioned this before but I'm scared. I'm scared because I changed faith traditions, from a background that the new Christians I interact with find "out there" or "nonChristian". I always considered myself Christian, and now I know there are parts that I think misinterpret or extend things too far, and I know that a lot of the dogma now that both traditions stick to has become extremized due to the Reformation and Counter Reformation, but that still leaves me with a lot of fiery dogma. A lot of people coming from different traditions just kind of blunder in, with ideas some find heretical, and it always puts a pause on the conversation and people to doubt the Christianity of the speaker (or just to find them awkward, which equals uncomfortable for the one feeling that way, which equals social exclusion). I've avoided that uncomfortableness so far by remaining silent, but then it grates on me with dissonance, because either people are speaking hate about something they're wrong about, or they're right and then I don't know what I can believe anymore. However, I have to remember that in my experience, no denomination so far that I've encountered has a monopoly on Christianity.
- In my experience, keep in mind that this is just my experience, not the definitive Right and Wrong, Catholics do an absolute great job with worshipping God as a king, and with social justice. I've never seen a Catholic church not involved in the community, and I think Protestants have a tremendous amount they can learn from catholics. But, I do think Catholics take praying to Mary and to the saints too far (really, why not just spend your time praying to Jesus? I do think some people do end up worshiping them, not everyone, and not on the same level of Jesus, but it certainly does not have the "we're all workers, all the same, all human and I'm as good as you" message that frankly Acts and the rest of the New Testament have. I also never got the "Jesus died specifically for my sin" message (I always got "Jesus died for the sins of the world, and there are a lot of bad people in the world, and yeah I forgot to say I'm sorry that one time so I do have some small sins").
- I do think that message, that even if everyone else was perfect and good that Christ would still have had to die for your sins, that your sin alone is bad enough to merit him dying, is important for Christianity. I got that from Evangelical Protestants, and a little more sense of why Jesus (and His death!) are really important. Before, I saw Christmas as important as Easter, and Jesus more like a wise teacher than His death as the central event and more of Him as a prophet whose sole purpose was To Die. But, I don't get Jesus as a king from Evangelical Protestants, nor is there very much mention of God the Father (who I believe is the central, and most holy figure - again, the New Testament always uses Jesus to point us to God the Father). In Evangelical Protestantism, the worship is to Jesus as God (which makes me uncomfortable!), and maybe the Holy Spirit in more of a Pentacostal, "filling us up and doing miracle"s kind of way, but nothing about God the Father. Also, there's a lot of talk of "converting" the surrounding area, as if every other Christian denomination there (and the whole downtown is filled with churches! Seriously!) is a heathen and we're living in the middle of the jungle. Also, no social justice, or only like 1 outlet, which usually involves prayer walking or some other form of conversion, but nothing to actually help people's physical needs.
- As for Southern Baptists...I see them as striving for a middle ground. They do have more of the formalized aspects, though I think that can easily get wrapped up as "tradition" and worshiped more along with giving cultural respect to your ancestors, and of course the church. But I've seen bitter divisions and politics split a church, because the people there are focused more on their own personalities and people they dislike rather than on God. It depends on the church as to how much they do for the surrounding community (some do a lot, and some have their focus on evangelism only).
- And then there are people more so than churches who have a very strong End Times belief (and if you don't believe the End Times will occur like they do, you're clearly a heathen or don't know the Bible), and the people who are so wrapped up in America is a Sinking Ship (i.e. wrapping politics into their sermons, which I think is very unChristian, because Jesus was not a Republican or a Democrat. Preaching should be done on what Jesus preached on and values of God, because I believe people from both parties are seeking those, just in different ways or emphasizing different attributes. okay, my own political rant over.)
- So, I think the true Christianity incorporates all those parts. I'm afraid of how other people view me, particularly other Christians judging me as not saved (who are they to say anyway? It's between myself and God). How do I get over awkwardness? I guess just have Bible answers to back me up? (but then that turns into a debate, and people don't like when you show them evidence for your position they can't refute...I was on the other side of that issue last night).
- As a spouse. My Spouse Is Not Always Right. I should put this up as a banner in our house. My Spouse always thinks they're right (because who willingly holds views they think are wrong?), and can eviscerate me in an argument. It's no fun being eviscerated. Never was, and never will be. In fact, it's downright painful, and makes me mad, and sometimes even if they're gentle, well, I just hate losing. I'm competitive. I'm a sore loser. And so in that sense, they're helping me grow. But emotionally, I'm the more mature one.
The Take-Away
Overall, I need to have confidence in myself and my background, and not EVER be ashamed of where I came from. That said, I need to be not incorporating the actual information into my identity, so I can still be wrong and be an awesome person. Learning you're wrong and learning the truth is part of growing. Don't tie your identity in with your skills, or with an information set. That's one thing God taught me at worship practice - you are of infinite value. Everyone is. You start from there and build up with your skills, but your skills do not make You (your identity).
I suppose with my background, I can always qualify it by saying "the background I came from," or "I grew up believing some different things. They are..."
And again, I do not need to be ashamed because I'm a new Christian. In fact, I probably have more Bible knowledge than a third of the congregation in any given church (so, in other words, I'm right in the middle, and I haven't gone to seminary). Of course, I always think I know more about a given subject than I do (because I'm an expert in all I know, until I learn there are whole other fields I don't know that are part of my subject, that I'm severely deficient in. Such as philosophy. I don't know which Biblical theories fall into which philosophical camp).
I know this post is long, but let me end by applying all of this. I don't know yet what's going to pop up in the rest of my day. The day I read on Greed, Greed popped up later. So I don't know if I'm going to need to resist temptation or resist evil today, or if I'm going to need confidence in myself because I'm doing God's will later today. Maybe someone will beat me down, and I need general confidence in myself and my abilities. But the main thing to hold on to, to cling to, is to follow God. Not feeling as in touch with God today but I'll try.
Putting a Star Wars lens on this (visualizing myself in front of the council): everything is a test, and I need to feel adequate. I'm surrounded by masters, but that doesn't make me any less (though I feel inadequate and like nothing, and they'll know every mistake!). So what? They see your mistakes every day. They're mostly seeing how you've improved, and are going to give tips for what you still need to work on, but I know personally as a teacher that I am rooting FOR students on tests. I'm seeing their improvement, not their failures.
So everything is a test, and nothing is a test.
We're always noticing both the mistakes and good parts of others. A test, or performance, or public group speaking, or sharing Christian beliefs is no different. We're all different, and we all have something valuable to contribute, we're all improving in some areas, and we're all learning more about what it means to be a Christian. God gives me some communal insights and some unique insights specific to my life right now, insights that The Masters Don't Have!
