Self-confidence Skills

I was reading an article on Self-Confidence. They say self-confidence can be learned! So don't worry if you don't have it yet. View yourself as learning, go easy on yourself, but at the same time make a decision to do better, or to pick back up where you left off.

Here are some of the things I've learned from the article: (by the way, read the original article here at https://www.mindtools.com/selfconf.html)

I really want to learn how to:

• Admit mistakes and learn from them, rather than trying to cover them up and hope no one notices. Currently, I feel scandalized when I make a mistake, that it somehow proves I'm not fit for the job or it makes me worth somehow less as a person. Christian Perspective: Everyone has mistakes. Mistakes have no impact on your worth, because you have infinite worth (everyone does). Admit them and learn from them to become a better person. Yes it's a blow to your pride, but nothing else. You are still infinitely precious to God.
• Do what I believe to be right, even if others will not approve or think lesser of me. This goes back to not doing things for crowd approval but for God approval. Hard but I want to stick to my convictions! How do you deal with the social anxiety of going against a crowd? I think you would truly have to not care about the people who are judging you in order to succeed. If you want to impress them, and are trying to better yourself in their eyes, then it will be impossible to do something which would make you less in their eyes. This goes back to knowing you're already of infinite worth. You don't have to impress anyone, because that's just a short term solution anyway.
• Being willing to take risks and put myself out there. What's the worst that could happen? I look silly or stupid, and embarrass myself. Well, that goes back to others' approval. And with practice, you learn to think on your feet better (though is that just another way of trying to avoid embarrassment?) Again, you have to not care. You have to be putting yourself out there because you enjoy it, or because the end result will get you something you value or enjoy. Either way it comes down to you and your goal, not the other people involved. People will always have opinions whether you are sensitive to them or not, and many will be negative.

When you picture yourself, can you picture yourself as a self-confident person doing these things? Some I can, some seems like a comic absurdity.

Another idea: that if you learn and work hard, you can succeed in a difficult area. I think the challenge for me is, to be honest, I don't want the difficulty. I want it to be easy. I don't want to struggle. And most of the things I want, I don't want enough to endure struggle for.

Do you believe that you can cope with what's going on in your life, and that you have a right to be happy?

• Yes to both right now, though spring is going to challenge me. I'm a little worried about how I'll be able to cope with adding a new baby to the family and being pretty much the sole caretaker to two children, especially with a current child who not only doesn't listen when you say no but intensifies the undesired action. I'm just worried I won't have enough hands to be everywhere at once and that my oldest will get into all sorts of things they shouldn't and basically run wild. I'm also not sure how I'll handle the lack of sleep from the new baby coupled with the oldest's energy, as I already have a problem handling the oldest's energy, and I'm not that drained yet on sleep.

How we feel about our lives and our ability to handle things depends on:

• the approval of people in our lives around us (can't control)
• Do I feel like I'm acting like a good person?
• Do I know I'm a competent person?
• Do I think that I'm good at competing successfully if I put my mind to it? (oho no...I definitely feel intimidated on a playing field! I guess I have to reframe and realize every situation every day is a playing field, and I do great. I guess it comes down to fear of being judged, or fear of being shown to be the lesser one when I compete).

 Ready? Here's how to get more self-confidence.

• Take an honest look at where you are, and where you want to go. I think I've outlined both pretty clearly above.
• Get yourself in the right mindset, and commit to starting and staying with it. Realize it's not going to be easy. In fact, it may involve hardship, but you can endure it, you will endure it, and your goal is so valuable that it's worth more than every bit of hardship you encounter. Realize also that starting is just the first hard part, and that there will be times where you want to quit. Maybe hardship will make you want to quit. Maybe you'll forget about it or be busy. These things will come up, but commit to staying with it. And make this commitment starting out. Put a post it or an inspirational screen saver or message on your phone if you have to.
• Inspire yourself and build your image of your own competence. You do this through achievement. Feeling incompetent? Achieve something. 
• List the 10 best things you've ever accomplished in your life.
• Asses your strengths and weaknesses honestly, and think about how that has led you to be where you are in life, and how you can use who you are as a person to go in a positive direction from there. Realize you're going to have to use your strengths, and try to bolster or work with your weaknesses. Remember, everyone has their own learning style...work best with yours. Try to foresee where you might find opportunities, and where you might face threats.
• Think about the things that are really important to you, and what you want to achieve with your life. Work your goal into the big picture. How will it help get you there?
• Manage your mind (this one is very Jedi-like): commit to positive thinking even during times where you're afraid, and really picture how you'll look and feel when you're successful.
• Make a list of the 1st steps for each goal, and then for each list the skills you'll need to complete it. Don't worry if it's a skill you don't have yet; you can learn it. Figure out how you can acquire these skills confidently and well.
• Start small, keep it with stuff you can succeed at to build your confidence. It's okay to make mistakes because you're trying something new. Then slowly start increasing the difficulty of your goals (but by then you have a whole bunch of tasks you've succeeded at under your belt to give you the confidence you know you can succeed!)

1 Thessalonians 2...Don't Let Wounded Pride Turn you Into Being Nasty, and Don't Give A Christianity Sales Pitch

We're working our way through 1 Thessalonians in order to learn how to break the image that Christians have today and learn how to live authentic lives as our own selves...but as Christians too.

Too much of Christianity is associated with a certain image that I've termed Cultural Christianity...You probably know the people. The ones who only listen to Christian music. They are pastors' kids or their parents work in different positions in the Church, and they've never been outside of the church and are super-Christian-y. White, middle class, Republican, dressing in the latest fashions. Their biggest sin, or the only thing they ever mention in accountability groups is "I don't pray enough" or "I don't read the Bible enough." (they would never mention that "I struggle with unChristian thoughts" or "I have an anger issue" or any real sin). They sweep stuff under the rug, which does no favors to either non-Christians (who then associate Christianity with a bunch of rules like "you can't drink or have premarital sex", which it isn't; it's not a rule-based system at all. We threw that out when Jesus fulfilled the Law. It's about grace instead, being forgiven by God for your sins) or to Christians actually struggling with real things (who then worry "am I a bad Christian because I struggle and no one else seems to?").

A Christian is anyone who's made the decision to follow Christ. I don't have a lot of good to say about Cultural Christians. Even if you grew up in a faith, or grew up in church (hey! no one can change their background or their parents, or should be made to feel ashamed of where they came from), strive to be an individual. That's what sets us apart as people, makes others like us as friends, and ultimately is what makes others interested in Christianity...because they see our lifestyle is somehow different, somehow fuller and more joyous even in hard times, and want what we have.

My thoughts: This chapter is all about us and others, and how we interact.

• When others oppose you unfairly: v. 2 - don’t let rough treatment from others (or others mistreating you, even if they’re supposed to be Christian!) turn you from the right path! If the path is given you by God, or you’re sure you’re doing God’s work, be sure of yourself in God and continue doing what you’re doing and say what needs to be said regardless of what the opposition will think or say. (reminds me of Shane CLaiborne and the sit-in for the homeless in the one story about the abandoned Catholic church that the archbishops warned not to go to - in fact, reminds me of all civil disobedience/passive resistance!) They’re just mere people just like you, just opposition players opposing God through you.  There’s something I admire about the Shane Claibornes, the people who are not going to do it in an offensive way but are going to do God’s will, no matter the situation. At least that’s how I perceive them, but I’m sure in some real life situations they’d have to give in...because that’s real life.
• There’s several ways they can turn you from the right path - you could let their “no” be the final word and stop your action, or they can discourage you from then believing that the right path from God is actually the right path, so your own emotions and doubts turn you aside.
• Why don’t we go ahead and say our piece more often, regardless of who’s against us? I think it’s because we view them as an authority figure, one who we’re afraid of the consequences. We’re afraid they have the power to destroy us, either with their words, or our lives, or our friends/innocents with their power. Although I think a lot of times we’re afraid of consequences which don’t actually happen (people sometimes aren’t as brutal as we think they are, though sometimes they are).
• Like the Pharisees, a lot of times people in “authority” positions view themselves as authority figures and think they know best, and they get very upset and vicious if you don’t view them the same way, or if there’s any challenge to them. I guess you then just have to view them as “vipers” the same way Jesus did, even if they are so-called religious leaders or in positions of authority. Jesus didn’t mind butting heads with them even though it eventually led to his death - should we be prepared for sacrifice too? esp. if the Viper in question is a powerful authority figure? or should we realize Jesus spent a whole 3 years butting heads, so he backed down some? or did he not, just continue to passively resist them and continue doing what he was doing, like healing on the sabbath, but no blatant confrontations?
• How we as Christians should present the Gospel (and how many false Christians don’t - i.e. televangelists, or people who are trying to get your money):  v. 4 heart-wise, we’re supposed to seek God’s approval only, not be after the approval of the crowd (fame is fickle anyway and crowd approval doesn’t last, especially in an age of social media where they just move on to the next big thing). Yet I think a lot of pastors are after crowd approval - they say stuff they think will appeal to their crowds, try to retain people and grow their numbers through things like bug music and light shows. Image is all about crowd approval. I think a lot of pastors actually are bent on crowd approval. Except when talking to non-Christians - then it’s “we need to take a hard line and say the hard truth about things like homosexuality etc.”
• v. 3 - Gospel message supposed to be free of error, and free of deceit - I don’t think either of these are true by most cultural christians. I think error comes from imparting the cultural christian “laws” along with the Gospel messages, or pseudo-Biblical bits of wisdom that aren’t actually in the Bible. And I think plenty of people are just concerned about building numbers, converting more souls, without actually caring about the person (or really caring where their soul! goes) so there is a hidden agenda. One, because then you’re kind of famous as the “person who’s converted a lot of people”. So it’s a pride thing. And those are only the well-meaning ones...the ones who are not well meaning really are after your money, or your time (and the most excessive examples of these are cults). In fact, I think any time a Christian interacts with a non-Christian, or for many cultural Christians, goes to an area of a different Christian denomination, there is the secret or not-so-secret goal of converting them. No wonder so many muslims and jews feel threatened simply being around Christians...because even if they’ve told one Christian they’re not interested, they know they’re going to hear the sales pitch again and have to refuse it again (and refusing it over and over gets tiring, even if the people are polite)...and some of the people are not polite, and in fact, they probably don’t know that the person they turned down the first time probably didn’t accept their answer but is instead plotting secretly how to convert them, and every interaction in the future will be subtly geared towards pushing them closer to Christ...How do I keep from turning into these people???? They sound so horrible when I write it from this perspective, yet it sounds like pretty much every Christian I know…
• v. 5 pretext for greed...somehow I feel like so many Christians presenting the Gospel message are greedy. Either for money or their pride is involved, so they’ll be nasty if you reject it (see above comment on Vipers)
• You, whether you feel qualified or not, are approved by God to carry his message. Powerful vote of validation! I often don’t feel qualified, either because I wasn’t Christian for long enough, or was born in the wrong faith, or even because I’m not a cultural Christian and don’t listen to Christian music or know Christian bands and a lot of the terms or concepts they throw around and take for granted.
• Don’t see yourself as above others - v. 6 The NASB says it as “nor did we seek glory from men”. The MSG says it as “we never...tried to come across as important.” SO MANY power hungry people in the church!! I feel like so many are megalomaniacs. In fact this whole paragraph in the MSG is awesome. Talks about not being aloof from people (yes, pastors try to mingle with everyone especially newcomers, but there’s certainly in-group and out-group cliques in the church. Some churches are worse than others in terms of people being aloof. And shy newcomers...you have a whole book on this, about how they’re only approached awkwardly but left out of a lot).
• I think v. 8 really nails it - we’re not just supposed to pass on the Gospel Message, but share our lives with these people. How many Christians, if we inquired into their private lives, would hesitate or hide some? The whole accountability “the only sin I do is I don’t pray enough” thing. Definitely goes against street preachers too. Even in Acts, when the apostles had to leave quickly after only giving a crowd the message, I think they were sorrowful and regretful of that, that circumstances had them leave before they could share their lives, but they would have otherwise.
• v. 9-10 against support raising - the early Christians really worked hard to be blameless in others’ eyes, so others couldn’t accuse them of anything. These days Christians shrug it off as “well of course I’m sinning or my life doesn’t look wonderful but we all sin”. Christians definitely don’t care about appearing blameless before others! In fact, they really don’t care what non-Christians think of them, or almost take pride in the fact that non-Christians think badly of them! Kind of “well that’s just the world attacking Christ” rather than it being their own image or words or actions. After all, some of the meanest people I’ve known have been devout Christians, and I know many people have been hurt by Christians.
• Guide and encourage others (not sure if this was before the Thessalonians came to Christ or afterwards as new Christians). Still, that’s what this passage advises towards others - gentleness (like a parent), guiding, encouraging. If more people were like this, Christianity would have a lot more reception!
• Other people, esp. once you become Christians, will make you suffer. Your own countrymen (and sometimes, by extension, other Christians) - people who are supposed to be on your side. Yet, even the Jews persecuted Jesus and the prophets, so the holiest of God even had that happen. Moral: people suck. It is human nature to be mean and shut down what we don’t understand, to mock or ridicule, or want to destroy it when we see it flourishing against our efforts or against our pride. See Vipers bit above. It really comes down to the idea that that’s not a new thing, that happened all throughout the Bible, it happened 2000 yrs ago, and it happens today. People in authority especially have to be careful that they don’t fall in love with their authority. And know that they will get what’s coming to them from God - and put your purposes aligned with God’s, and not with theirs, and take care that you’re not misled by them (because that is their true purpose, to shake you off your path any way they can)
• Last few verses: obviously they really built a relationship with these people! You miss a relationship with friends (even new friends), not some people you preached a message at. More evidence we’re supposed to be building on a deeper relational level.

My takeaway:

• No deception or smoke screens. You’re not selling anything. Just live your life as an example, and people will want it. It doesn’t depend on the words you say, though if people ask, be willing to tell them.
• How do I present the Gospel and still respect a person’s “no”? I think just by trying to live as an honest example and provide (by example) something they desire and are interested in, rather than trying to push on people. So once an overt rejection, then give up trying to push them closer to Christ unless asked...instead, try to make Christianity in your own life so appealing that they want what you have, and want to draw closer to it. So hard to put into practice though, especially because my tendency is to push/lecture when I believe something’s right!
• Make sure my faith is grounded squarely in the Bible and not in pseudo-Bible cultural Christianity or feel-good sentiments (working on this)
• Be after God approval, not crowd approval. Yes it will cause some anxiety to go against the crowd, but aggressively pursue God. Say what needs to be said, regardless. You can handle the consequences (with God’s help). Even if the person opposing you is an authority figure or organization [scary!]
• People suck. Human nature sucks. People, because of their pride, get offended and work to shut you down. If it happens to you, remember that it happened to the apostles in Jerusalem, to Jesus, and the prophets too.
• I have been qualified by God to be entrusted with this message. So don’t think I’m not qualified! even if sometimes I feel it. God has trusted me - what other approval do I need? Not from Christians (though it’s hard, because I know what cultural Christianity approves of and what they don’t). So try to ignore other people’s opinions of you or your actions - who cares what they think?

1 Thessalonians: you're not perfect in your faith, and don't expect to be...Grow to be stronger

1 Thessalonians

Why: I decided to do 1 Thessalonians because if I remember right, that (along with Timothy) is basically a how-to manual for becoming deeper Christians, along with how to set up a church (or, in other words, what should living like a Christian look like in the world? How should the world affect us, and in what ways should we not be affected or be different?) I thought it fit right in with our “How to live as authentic Christians” mindset.

My thoughts: I read both the NASB and the Message (2 ends of the spectrum - the NASB being the most literal, the Message being the most "just get the ideas across in modern day vernacular" and not quoting at all, to help the ideas sink in better).

• It’s addressed to people who are already Christians, and good Christians at that. So, no salvation message repeat needed. I’d like to think of myself that way - that the good work was started when I became a Christian (planted a seed), and even if we’ve toiled or floundered, we did receive the message, and this is going to help us become better Christians.
• I don’t feel God’s grace or God’s peace with me on a regular basis yet, but hopefully over time those feelings will develop.
• What life should look like: continuing to toil for God even if we are frustrated or not seeing fruits, trying to hold on to the idea that God will come through, and working to have patience (with ourselves/our lives, aka perseverance) which will eventually lead to hope (that sureness that God will come through)
• the MSG: God has chosen me (and you) for something special (or the NASB, just the idea of God choosing us) - at this point, kind of hard to feel, but exciting encouragement. The MSG says “When the message was preached, it wasn’t just words. Something happened in you.”[the NASB talks about power] - good reminder. I’m remembering “that’s right, there was power, there was a change, there were all those strange occurrences. God’s power, the power of the Holy Spirit.” So, far removed from it it’s easy to forget, but I need to remember God’s power (to heal and do miraculous things, and send messages you shouldn’t know - all the weird ESP type stuff) and that God is powerful (the one who can do these things is powerful, and to make us His agents in the world...He chose us, that’s really humbling/awe-inspiring).
• The MSG also says “The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions.” I need more resoluteness in my convictions.
• v. 5-6 who can we imitate? It is great to have authentic Christians to imitate. I also read something by one of my friends recently that said that it was great to have other Christians to encourage, keep accountable, be praying for you, give you guidance, and just be friends. There will also be periods of your life where you are giving these to someone, and periods where you’re receiving these. I love this. I need someone to give to. I also love the idea of someone praying for you - it makes me feel so loved to know someone thought of me and has me “covered” (through my joys and my trials)
• the MSG: In imitating authentic Christians, you imitate God - how powerful!
• The MSG: “Your lives are echoing the Master’s Word…[good thing!] The news of your faith in God is out [scary! I feel so exposed! But that’s theoretically what we’re going for here!]”
• We’re the message - not the words we say, but as as people, how we live our lives and treat others. It makes me feel important, and unique/as an individual
• More part of the Christian life: receiving others with immediate welcome, no questions asked, making people comfortable. Also deserting the idols of our past - comforting, because it’s a choice. We all started out that way, everyone did, placing our value and happiness in other things. But we can choose God and Christ. Don’t return to our old lives - take info from it, but not values.
• God is the true God. any other God system or place of happiness, while it seems tempting and may even give a partial answer, is not the best answer. Only God gives a whole and complete fulfillment, peace, and answers. Everything else has some degree of falseness, or incompleteness.

My takeaway/Things to work on:

• Keep toiling for God. Peace, hope in Him...those come over time.
• Need more steel in my convictions
• Find some good Christians to imitate, and try to impart my own good Christian lifestyle to those around me (or think about 1-2 specific people to invest in)
• The role of Christians: encourage, keep each other accountable, give gentle guidance, pray for, welcome people with love unconditionally
• I’m important as a person, along with my actions and choices- my life is a testimony about God to others (and that may be all the testimony they get, even if they never hear a verbal message). God, the ruler of the universe, took the time to choose me, love me, and touch me with His power, investing some of that power in me. So remember where the true value/God is, and put my efforts and hope there, and not in false things I used to think would give me the perfect life or find happiness, because no matter how good it looks, everything else is false.

Update

...since it's been a while.

This is why I have a sign on my desk that some friends made for me that says "Welcome back!" It is both a warmth, and a "you've been away and we realize that and don't expect perfection, but there's work to be done, so let's get started."

Here's the update:

Prayer update:

• Spouse and I finally started our home group/Bible study! I'll say it again, because it's been a year and a half in the making: Spouse and I started a home group/Bible Study!!! And even though there's only one other couple right now (in fact we hold it at their house), it's everything we dreamed of. We found ourselves opening up, being honest, and showing what it honestly looks like to live like Christians, or how to follow Christ living in the world we do. We talked a lot about cultural Christianity and the unspoken social rules that aren't even Biblical (like don't smoke, don't drink, etc.) but that people take as law and look askance if you violate. We talked about do you have to go to church as a Christian? and what should church look like, especially in terms of more ritualized traditions vs. more spontaneous traditions and the benefits and drawbacks of each. We laughed a lot, and sympathized a lot, and said some things you'd never hear "Christians" say (except we're all Christians there, so Christians, ahem, do say them). We shared some about our pasts, and some things we were taught (in church! by well-meaning but clueless people) that were hurtful or misled us. Prayers for both community and Bible Study answered!

In my life Update:

• I've been working on this idea of living life as an authentic Christian. What does that look like? If you throw out the picture of Cultural Christianity (you know the people I'm talking about, the ones who only listen to Christian music, who can be nice or not but whose only sin or struggle they ever admit is "I should pray more" or "I should read the Bible more" (i.e. no real struggles ever)), that's all well and good, but what do you replace it with? What does living an authentic life, or being yourself, and being a Christian look like? I know in my own life, many times I don't even tell people I'm a Christian, or I'll get labeled with Cultural Christian and immediately tuned out or shunned. And heck, I don't really want to associate with those people either. It's unfortunate the label of "Christian" implies that automatically these days. I want to tell people, I'm not a "Christian" as you think of it, I just believe the Jews were right and their messiah came! In other words, trying to strip the word "Christian" away from all the extra baggage we've come to associate with it, and just get down to the bare essentials. Even if I'm not a fan of cultural Christians, I'm thinking it's best to look at it as choosing to follow the Jewish Messiah who called himself Yeshua. I just wish there was another term, since the word "Christian" or any mention of Christ or sin immediately turns people off and stops them listening. It closes down any dialogue, and that's a mad thing in my opinion.
• Also working on being more time-organized. I'm space organized, Spouse is time-organized, and I think it would help my life to be time-organized. Less stressful, for sure. So that's neither here nor there, but it's another thing in my life the last couple weeks.